Where Is Your Focus in Relationships?

Do you think that if only others would change, life would get easier?

Thinking that others need to change means that they carry your solution.

Blaming others is like handing over your power. You think that if only they would change, you'd be fine. When you're in conflict, it's easy to think you're not at fault. 

Focusing on someone else becomes a habit. Everyone slips into it on occasion. In conversations, it joins us together in a negative way, like gossip.

It has become part of our culture to avoid admitting fault. Saying I'm sorry is avoided for fear looking bad or weak. In relationships, this causes most arguments. Blaming each other and not acknowledging what you did creates the hurt. 

Childhood messages

Some of us were taught as children to blame. If no one ever apologized in your home, how could anything get resolved? When conflict becomes a battle of wills you learn to avoid it. 

As a result, you know when to be quiet. You tell a joke to lighten the mood. Feelings of anger and hurt get ignored because you weren't taught their relevance.

Blame is a breeding ground for codependency and addition. You escape into substances or pleasing others first to avoid pain.

Focusing on others is how codependency starts. You neglect yourself because it's more important to take care of others. This takes a lot of energy. 

Communication

In relationships, communication is effected because when you aren't focused on self, the tendency is to make the other person wrong. 

A lack of accountability damages trust. When mistakes are avoided, they cause anger and separation. The relationship has a chance to heal only when you are willing to look at yourself.

Helpful tips

Taking responsibility for what you think, say and do makes a difference in communication. Here are some tips to keep the focus on you in a respectful, loving way. 

  • Talk when you're calm and willing to listen. If not, wait.
  • Notice your thoughts - are they negative, critical or wanting to be right?
  • Watch assumptions. Are they based on actual facts, the past or mind reading?
  • Are you expecting someone to be different than who they really are?
  • Express yourself by using I statements to avoid righteousness and blame.
  • Acknowledge how you've contributed to the problem.
  • Apologize if you have caused harm by naming the specific behavior.
  • Focus on really listening to your partner's response.

Being accountable avoids blame and improves your ability to work things out and stay calm. Try it and notice what happens.

Politics too, the blame game is everywhere. 

Feel free to emailcall or text me at (408)800-5736 for a free 15 minute consultation.