What You Need to Know When Conflict Gets Messy
I used to dread conflict but relationships get a lot more difficult when you don't know how to talk things out.
My early attempts at resolving things didn't go so well. There were several pieces of understanding conflict that I needed to practice. Avoiding the other problem or blaming them didn'’t work. I had to learn to say what I mean without saying it mean. That took some courage.
Handling anger and conflict with confidence
A Personal Lesson
Recently, I had a difficult conversation with an old friend. After finally getting the courage to end the friendship and she wanted to know why.
It was a fair question, and I was ready to bed honest and acknowledge my part in the split. Unfortunately, the conversation was focused on my mistakes and not much else.
Intuitively I knew that this was a great test of my people pleasing. Years ago, I would have accepted the blame without hesitation to keep the peace. Not anymore.
Briefly, I shared my truth with apology and regret. I let myself express anger without being hurtful or mean. Without throwing myself under the bus. I was accountable for my behavior. It didn't change anything between us but I said my peace.
Unfortunately, there was no reconciliation but there was closure. Being able to let go of how I was perceived was powerful. We couldn't come to any agreement. That was okay too.
The goal in conflict isn't just seeking resolution because that not always possible. The real goal is being able to like yourself in it. If you feel good about how you handled it, you've won. You don't have to carry regret around for the next few years. You can have peace right now because you have integrity.
Courage to Change
My truth wasn't accepted but it was heard and that was enough.
Even though we didn't reunite, I got a tremendous gift. I felt complete. I could let the hurt go and accept that I didn't need her to agree. I validated and forgave myself for my part.
I could agree to disagree. Liking myself mattered more than seeking approval. That happens when you can take responsibility for your own behavior.
Conflict takes lots of patience and practice. It's unpredictable. You don't know if it'll lead to a resolution or an ending. But you can get better each time you have the courage to try it.
Keeping your reactions under control is vital when doing conflict. Check out my free PDF below!
Get my tips for 20 Things to Do When you're Angry below.
Tips for Conflict
Write out a script beforehand.
Focus on your needs and concerns.
Get feedback if needed BEFOREHAND!
Stick to the subject, don't add other stuff.
If you can't stay calm, take a break.
Stick to the facts.
Avoid saying always and never.
Check out assumptions (don't mind read).
Listening is critical for resolution.
Sometimes, it takes a few conversations to resolve things. First, just listen to each other without trying to fix it. This is where most people get stuck. They don't take the time to hear each other and check out their assumptions.
Final Suggestions
Feed back what you heard. Say something like "What I heard you say is that you're really upset at what happened last night. Is that right?" This prevents the runaway train of assumptions that happens when you assume something offensive was said.
Conflict is messy and it doesn't guarantee a good outcome. But that doesn't mean you can't have one. What's one thing you can do differently with conflict? Let me know, I'd love to hear from you!
I’ve created a free 5 day email course on Catching Your Anger Before It Hurts. Click here or the image below to get started!
