How Codependency and Addiction Together Make a Lasting Recovery
The first few years of addiction recovery are intense. Everything seems different as you learn how to live a sober life. It is a HUGE and often under-estimated effort that requires your mental and emotional energy.
You are not alone; it takes a village to recover from dysfunctional behavior.
In early 12 step recovery, you are trying to transform bad habits and identify people, places, and things that could trigger the desire to use again. These are called relapse triggers.
After the first few years of recovery, specific relationship problems start to surface. Codependent patterns like people-pleasing and one-sided relationships become more evident. These can be both an opportunity and a curse.
Those who use this awareness to address codependency and addiction into their recovery reap the benefits. Their relationships get healthier, and issues of low self-esteem start to improve. However, people who don’t use face their codependency, they tend to struggle and risk relapsing. Their relationships become more and more dysfunctional over time.
Most people in addiction recovery aren’t taught how to handle this next layer of recovery. Instead, they find themselves dismissing the signs because no one in their 12-step meetings is talking about them.
Here are some of the signs to watch out for:
Old memories that you want to avoid begin to surface
Issues of low self-esteem become more evident
Relationship problems are harder to resolve
You find yourself reacting more than usual
So what’s happening?
Symptoms of codependency play a critical role in addiction recovery and, when unchecked, can lead to relapse.
In this blog, you will learn what role codependency has in addiction recovery and what you can do to avoid relapse.
What is codependency recovery?
Codependency recovery is a process of healing dysfunctional relationship behavior that creates one-sided, unhealthy relationships that reinforces low self-esteem.
Codependency develops as you become overly focused on helping, rescuing, or controlling others.
What are the signs of codependency?
A codependent person…
Pleases others then neglects themselves
Attracts people with problems like addicts and alcoholics
Avoids expressing hurt or anger that could lead to conflict
Struggles with perfectionism and unrealistic expectations
Has difficulty identifying and asking for what they need
Tends to over-give and feel resentful afterward
Feels uncomfortable asking for help
How does codependency affect addiction recovery?
Most people in addiction recovery hit an emotional wall after a few years because of their underlying codependency.
Codependency plays a major role in dysfunctional relationships becoming harder to navigate. You may find yourself going through partners like kleenex or attracting the same dysfunctional partner over and over again.
You might assume that you can do the codependency work in AA, OA, or other programs, but you can’t. You can’t get sober in Gamblers Anonymous - the same goes for codependency recovery.
The right program makes the process much easier!
5 Ways Codependency Shows Up in Early Recovery
Most recovering addicts and alcoholics lack the skills to build healthy relationships because their growth gets stunted from using substances. Their relationships reflect the chaos they grew up in.
Issues like people pleasing, not knowing how to set boundaries, and looking outside of themselves for validation, impact their self-esteem and relationships in a big way.
Here are some common struggles in early recovery that indicate codependency.
1. Lack of self-trust
After you stabilize your recovery, deeper issues from the past start to surface. These issues include childhood pains you may have buried while using substances. Not having these experiences validated in childhood often creates codependent behaviors like people pleasing and a lack of self-trust.
2. Low self-esteem
Without using substances, you probably notice some issues with low self-esteem. You start to realize the gaps where you feel like you’re not enough.
Comparing yourself to others and finding your value in DOING instead of BEING is how codependency shows up. You don’t see your own value, so you look to others for validation.
3. Loss of self
In recovery you notice that you put yourself last in relationships. Instead of focussing on your recovery, you become obsessed with getting or staying connected to others. This creates an unhealthy dependency which is the hallmark of codependency.
Another way codependent behavior shows up is taking on the problems of others instead of focusing on your own issues. You find your self-worth in being the helper or the rescuer.
4. Resentment
Codependent relationships can easily lead to resentment because codependent people hide their hurt. Instead, you please others in hopes of getting their approval. By not being honest about what’s important to you, you end up feeling unappreciated and miserable. This leads to resentment, which can ultimately lead to a relapse.
5. Isolation
When recovering from addiction, you will need support. Though codependent people crave intimacy in their relationships, they often become too attached to their romantic partners and neglect other relationships.
You find yourself putting all of your “emotional eggs” in one person’s basket. This makes it difficult to prioritize relationships with family and friends so when the relationship ends, you are devastated. The excruciating pain of being alone sets you up for relapse.
Why is it critical to address codependency in addiction recovery?
Untreated codependency in addiction recovery is a real risk factor for relapse. Here’s why.
When a relationship ends, you may want to go back to using.
When the pain of childhood surfaces, you may want to use to escape the pain.
When you feel bad about yourself in recovery, you might want to give up and use UNLESS you start addressing codependency.
How to end the cycle of codependency in addiction recovery
If you notice any of the five signs of codependency during the recovery process, it’s time to make some changes. The first step towards recovery is admitting it.
Here are some steps to take to address codependency in addiction recovery:
Find a counselor that specializes in codependency and start therapy.
Attend support groups like Codependents Anonymous (CODA) or Al-Anon.
Set healthy boundaries in your relationships.
Find new interests or learn a skill that you can pursue independently.
Read more about codependency and ways to overcome it.
Final Thoughts
Suffering from codependency in addiction recovery is quite common and when left untreated can lead to relapse. It’s not easy to deal with life and relationships during addiction recovery. Thankfully, by addressing codependency and addiction, you can create a lasting recovery and lead a happy and healthy life.