How to Identify and Heal Codependent Friendships
How you can start healing codependent friendships.
In codependent friendships the boundaries get blurred.
Having a group of friends is healthy, but the codependent person relies too much on one person (or persons) for support and validation. When that person becomes too attached, it develops into an unhealthy dependency.
If you’re wondering whether you’re in a codependent friendship, you’re in the right place. This blog will help you identify the signs and start healing those dysfunctional patterns.
What is a codependent friendship?
Codependent friendships are intense. At first, sharing personal stories feels amazing but revealing too much too soon can be a sign of poor boundaries.
Healthy friendships take considerable time to develop. They respect the limits and boundaries of both people. No one dominates or controls the relationship.
These kind of friendships lack a healthy balance of give and take. The need to help, rescue or stay connected makes preserving their independence difficult.
For instance, codependent people get so wrapped up in others that they lose their sense of self. Instead of having healthy boundaries, the relationship takes on a life of its own.
With codependent friendships, there are sometimes issues of addiction but not always. Codependent friendships often have an emotional intensity that mimics an obsessive-like bond.
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Eventually, the non-codependent friend becomes so emotionally exhausted that they consider ending the friendship. If they struggle with codependency, they may deny their concerns for fear of hurting the other person’s feelings.
Some codependent people relate to having control issues while others are such “people-pleasers” that will do anything to avoid conflict in their relationships.
Signs of a codependent friendship include:
Becoming overly dependent on others for support and validation
Difficulty setting boundaries or respecting someone else’s
Expecting the other person to fulfill personal needs
Wanting to spend an unusual amount of time together
Attempting to control or change the other person’s behavior
Avoiding difficult conversations to spare the other person’s feelings
Secretly resenting others for doing less
Changing who they are for approval, acting like a “chameleon”
How can I heal my friendship if I’m the codependent one?
Positive change begins when codependent people redirect their focus back to themselves. Learning how to validate their own needs will go a long way to decreasing their unhealthy dependency on others.
Start by making a list of any codependent behaviors that have created relationship problems. An honest appraisal of our own codependency is a courageous first step in recovery. Identifying issues of people pleasing, neglecting self-care, and not being able to say no or set boundaries are a few key issues to note.
For additional help, consider attending Al-Anon, the 12 step program for specific strategies towards healing these behavior patterns.
Questions to get you started:
Where have you neglected yourself for others?
Can you identify any issues of control?
Are you depending on others to validate who you are?
Where are you doing too much for others?
Can you identify what you need instead of focusing on helping others?
Where can you begin to say no and take better care of yourself?
Click here to read What Is Codependency?
What if your friend is the codependent one?
Once you realize a friendship is codependent, identify what areas you’d like to change. Share your concerns with them in a non-judgmental way. Communicate that you still care but want a healthier balance.
Because the codependent person wants to please, they will likely be very motivated to work things out. It’s important to let them know what isn’t working so these issues don’t fester and eventually end the friendship.
Sometimes, the codependent person will feel hurt by the need for change. Don’t let that deter you - take it as an opportunity to practice good self-care and practice loving detachment.
What does a healthy friendship look like?
In healthy friendships, people can ask for what they need without making other people responsible for their happiness. Self-care and self-reliance are not sacrificed for the other person. Each person has their own identity that doesn’t depend on the other person.
Healthy friendships feel close and supportive without becoming too intense or enmeshed. Being able to share concerns can deepen these relationships and keep them healthy.
Final Thoughts
Codependent friendships take time to unlearn, but the process is well worth it for your own emotional well-being and theirs. Finding healthy ways to become more self-reliant can begin the recovery process of healing.