How To Transform Unhealthy Anger Into Loving Connection
There are three ways to get in trouble with anger.
You avoid it, explode or stuff it.
Stuffing it creates a legacy of resentment, and exploding hurts the ones you love. Not great choices.
Recognizing what unhealthy anger looks like is the start of growth. You need to know what isn't working before you can change it.
Before we start, a gentle warning. Please don't read this and go into shame. Unhealthy anger is much more common than healthy anger. If you're reading this you're willing to do something different. That takes courage!
As you read this, think of where you learned these behaviors. Most of us who struggle with expressing anger didn't have great role models.
10 Forms of Unhealthy Anger
- Blame others by focusing on their behavior.
- Yelling, name-calling, insults, and guilt trips.
- Destroying things and violating someone else's personal space.
- Punishing or avoiding conflict with the silent treatment.
- Condescending tone makes others feel less than.
- Focus on yourself and be accountable for your behavior.
- Use "I" statements as "I feel angry when you are late."
- Respect personal space in order to feel safe.
- Admit when you're upset even if you're not ready to talk.
- Healthy anger sounds firm and assertive but not scary.
Healthy anger transforms relationships because it creates an opportunity to express what's bothering you in a way that helps others listen.
You become more authentic in relationships because you can say ouch. Not saying you're hurt or angry is what turns anger into rage or silent wars.
How to start
Healthy anger is focused more on taking care of yourself and expressing frustration assertively without blame.
This is a game changer in relationships because when you can express yourself and be heard, resolving conflict gets much easier!
These tips are about what you can change, not getting someone else to change. Healthy anger is about controlling yourself!
It's not a linear process. Use it as a guide to sharpen your intuition. Your anger is always trying to tell you something, you just have to listen.
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