How to Stay Centered When You’re Struggling
When you’re not in a good place, it’s hard to stay centered.
“Staying centered” is an internal experience of feeling calm and confident within yourself. It’s a feeling of deep trust in one’s abilities or intuition.
There has been a lot of overwhelming stress right now.
Here are some quick tips to help you stay centered when life gets tough instead of sinking into isolation.
#1 Pretending Everything is Fine Rarely Works
By not sharing what’s really going on, it’s hard to stay present. Putting on a happy face takes a lot of energy. Pretending that “everything is fine” makes you feel more isolated and alone.
A quick side note: there are times when pretending you’re okay can work. It’s referred to as “fake it til you make it” in recovery circles. By making a concentrated effort you can develop gratitude.
On the other hand, it doesn’t work when you’re sitting on a pile of pain that won’t go away. When something is really upsetting you,“faking it” will probably make you feel more lonely.
Don’t dismiss painful feelings. Without realizing it, you are sending the message that your feelings don’t matter and that’s not what you want. Everyone needs their feelings to be heard!
#2 Don’t Minimize How You Feel
Managing feelings is critical for emotional health. For instance, when a person denies feeling sad, bottling up these feelings makes them grow.
You can’t heal what you don’t express. Trust that there is a valid reason you are hurting. Painful emotions like anger, fear and resentment are signals to you that something needs attention.
Here are some questions to identify what needs healing:
Are you focused on the future and can’t let it go?
Is there a specific want need or boundary that you’re afraid to speak up about?
Are you grieving a loss that needs support?
Are you comparing yourself to others instead of accepting yourself?
Is there a particular issue that needs healing?
Don’t assume that sharing honestly will bring others down. In fact, what if sharing your pain opens the door for someone to share theirs?
#3 Being Honest Builds Connection
Being honest is a vital part of building healthy relationships. When people can’t share their experiences, it’s harder to connect. You start to feel like you’re the only one suffering. Instead, make a conscious effort to share what’s happening with you. This will help you feel more connected and could spark healing for someone else.
When you risk being vulnerable, it's an invitation to connect on a deeper level. You realize that you’re not the only one hurting. By being honest, you are giving others permission to do the same.
Conversely, when people hide their pain, they hide their true selves. The chance to develop deeper connections doesn’t happen. Sharing emotions can create a bridge that binds us together.
#4 How to Embrace Anger and Hurt
In order to stay centered, it’s important to manage the challenging feelings too. Anger isn’t an easy one to acknowledge but stuffing it creates a lot of internal stress. It’s hard to maintain open communication when you’re pretending not to be upset.
To manage anger effectively, identify the signs early before they escalate into destructive anger. Denied feelings come back with a vengeance. When the early warning signs of anger are ignored, you will be more likely to struggle with explosive anger or resentments that linger.
Here are a few early signs of anger:
Rapid heart-rate and sweating
Muscle tension or feeling anxious
Negative thinking or assuming the worst
Using profanity, blame and criticism
Feeling increasingly stressed or irritable
Not speaking up in order to keep the peace
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Once you’ve identified the anger, the next step is to acknowledge the hurt or disappointment that’s usually underneath it. Getting the right tools to take care of yourself emotionally makes a huge difference.
Let’s start with this one simple yet effective exercise that I recommend a lot.
#5 An Exercise for Handling Difficult Feelings
Journal writing is a great tool for expressing private thoughts. Consider this an exercise to vent without having to worry about how someone else will react. Even if what comes out in the writing doesn’t make sense, trust the process, it works.
For more on how writing works read The Secret of Why Journal Writing Works.
A word of caution: don’t take the written words too seriously. In the heat of the moment, thoughts can get pretty ugly. That’s why this type of writing needs to be private.
Another great tool is writing a letter to the person you are having difficulty with. Say whatever you need to because you will never send it. The first drafts are for your eyes only to gain clarity on what action, if any, you should take.
Third, look at your own behavior in the situation. This is the most challenging part because you may think you haven’t done anything, but keep an open mind. Consider something you could have said or done before, during or in reaction to what happened. It could be something subtle like showing disapproval or omitting the truth when it could have helped.
#6 Find Healthy Outlets that Work
To manage difficult emotions find outlets that work for you. Whether it's taking a long walk or reading a good book, find ways to practice consistent self-care.
Introverts often need quiet time away from people. Reading a good book or spending time alone in nature can be replenishing. Extroverts need connection and activity. Knowing what comforts you goes a long way in being able to cope when times are tough.
Healthy outlets for handling difficult feelings include:
Talk things out with a trusted friend
Get some vigorous exercise
Prioritize quiet time or mediation
Turn to one’s faith for comfort
Keep connected with friends and family
Join a support group
Start a hobby or fulfill a dream
Volunteer for a worthy cause that you’re passionate about
Seek professional help if needed
Final Thoughts
Pretending to be happy when you’re not hurts you and creates separation. The longer feelings get denied, the harder it is to let them go and move forward.
Feeling connected to yourself and others depends on your ability to honor your own experience - no matter what you’re going through. This is the hallmark of self-care. Although we are living through a lot of challenges right now, we will get through this together.
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