A Quick Checklist for Setting Healthy Boundaries
Relationships can really thrive when boundaries are practiced consistently. Unfortunately, there are a lot of misconceptions around boundaries. This blog will help you understand healthy boundaries so you can set them with confidence.
What Are Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself that define what you’re willing to do, accept or tolerate. Establishing what your boundaries are can help you decide what to do next.
For instance, if someone treats you badly, how are you going to take care of yourself? If a situation starts to feel unsafe, how can you remove yourself? Boundaries are the best way to protect yourself physically or emotionally.
So how do you start?
Setting healthy limits starts by knowing what you need and taking responsibility for it.
Effective boundaries are your ability to protect yourself, not control what the other person is doing. They’re all about self-care - not penalizing the other person for not giving you what you want!
Aren’t boundaries about getting your needs met by the other person?
Well, yes and no…
Respect, love, affection and honesty are all part of healthy relationships.
It’s up to you to decide what’s important to you but here’s the catch- ultimately, it’s your responsibility to take care of those needs yourself.
In other words, you have the power to decide what action (if any) you need to take to keep yourself comfortable. Expecting others to take care of you doesn’t work because there’s no guarantee they’ll agree to your terms.
If you’re grimacing right now, hang in there with me. You’re not alone.
Finding Your Boundaries
When we don’t know how to take care of ourselves in relationships, we tend to expect others to do it for us.
“If they loved me, they would know what I need” is a common misconception. We may expect others to give us what we give them. Or, we look to others for our happiness and self-worth hoping that we won’t have to set a boundary at all.
Over time, this expectation creates an unhealthy dependency. Because these needs are often unspoken, the person who can’t set boundaries gets increasingly frustrated and resentful. They assume their other people should know what they need without having to ask. This is especially true in our romantic relationships.
To create a healthy boundary, you need to know what your responsibility is and what it isn’t in relationships.
Here’s a simple way to understand what’s yours and what isn’t.
You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, perceptions and actions in any situation. Anything outside of that is NOT within your power to control or manage successfully.
What you cannot control includes:
What other people think, do and say.
How other people react to what you do or say.
The outcome in any situation.
Worried that your relationships aren’t working out?
Where do I start?
Before setting a boundary, you need to know what you want otherwise, you won’t know what to ask for (or give to yourself). First let’s define what kind of boundaries you need.
Common boundaries include:
Honoring your need for privacy
Being treated with love and respect
Not driving with someone who is drunk or in a rage
Removing yourself from an uncomfortable or abusive situation
Taking a time-out when a conflict becomes too intense
Respecting a person’s need for physical space
Your power only extends to where you spend your time and energy. This is where most people get stuck because they assume that getting their needs met depends on another person.
Realize that we have no control over the outcome. The other person has every right to say no. Accepting the “no” is part of having healthy boundaries. Everyone has a choice which means you have the same rights to say no.
What Boundaries are Not
The only person you have total control over is you.
Boundaries are not about getting someone else to change. It’s not asking someone to stop drinking or yelling even though you have every right to guard yourself against those behaviors. You can certainly ask for those things but you can’t make it happen.
Boundaries are not giving threats or ultimatums. Unfortunately, we don’t have the power to make others do what we want them to do (as much as we wish we did).
People change for only one reason - because they want to! Accepting this makes setting boundaries less stressful because you’re only responsible for yourself.
Boundaries Mean Honoring Your Own Needs
Setting boundaries provides the opportunity to ask for what you need — but remember that if the other person says no, it doesn’t end there. Your needs are ultimately your responsibility to fulfill.
For instance, Mary wants to go to the movies with a friend. She’s been feeling lonely after a recent breakup and needs to get out. She calls a few friends but everyone is busy.
What is Mary’s need? She wants to get out and be with other people.
What can she do to fulfill that need? She can…
Go to the movies alone.
Reach out to more friends.
Check out a support group.
Do some journaling about how she feels.
Take a hike in nature or spend time at the beach.
She has other options, not just her girlfriends. Mary can give herself what she needs even if no one else is available.
Knowing that you have more than one option is empowering because you aren’t dependent on any one person, place or thing to meet your needs.
Communicating Healthy Boundaries
Communicating your boundaries clearly is another piece of the puzzle. For instance, someone is raging at you. How do you set a boundary in this situation?
First, be willing to state your position assertively then if nothing changes, walk away.
Example:
I’m not willing to let you yell at me. If we can talk without yelling I’ll keep talking but if not, I need to leave.
I purposely used “we” instead of “you” because when someone is in a rage, your communication should be neutral and non-threatening. Saying “you” can come across as blaming and may increase their anger.
Click here to read more on How to Start Setting Healthy Boundaries.
Roadblocks to Boundaries
A major roadblock to setting boundaries is fear. We get afraid of upsetting others or appearing selfish, so we do nothing.
As a result, we will focus on pleasing others instead of honoring what works for us. Sometimes, we’ll even sacrifice our values in order to keep the peace.
Been there done that and I don’t recommend it!
Letting fear dictate our actions prevents us from honoring our own truth which is part of boundary setting. Feel the fear, take some support and do it anyway. Always start small to gain some confidence first.
Don’t worry, it gets easier with practice!
A Quick Checklist for Understanding Boundaries:
Boundaries are a form of self-care, not a means of getting others to do it for you.
Ask for what you need but take full responsibility for them.
Expecting others to know what you need will likely create frustration.
Always be direct when asking for what you want.
Remember there are many options to get your needs met, not just one.
Click here for details on my Codependency Workbook!
Final Thoughts
Setting healthy boundaries helps us live the life we want without expecting others to make us happy. While it’s important to ask for what you need in relationships, there are lots of options to help you take care of yourself.
It just takes practice!