How Saying Goodbye Creates Healthier Relationships
Years ago I heard John Bradshaw, author of the PBS series on The Family, say that you cannot have a healthy relationship until you learn to say goodbye.
I was floored. I used to think staying in a relationship no matter what was a strength. But, if you can’t say goodbye, you don't have the choice to leave or stay. The fear of saying goodbye can keep you from making the healthier choice.
This blog talks about practicing the importance of saying goodbye and how it can transform your relationships.
Where You Learn About Goodbyes
I used to avoid goodbyes because they were too painful so I stayed until the bitter end. Growing up I never saw adult relationships end. They just stopped coming around.
Family is where we learn how to do relationships first.
Those primary family relationships create a template for future relationships. The truth is that relationships often end. It's an important life lesson but most families don't help their children learn how and when to say goodbye.
So once we grow up, we have no clue!
Avoiding Goodbyes Has Its Price
When ending a relationship is considered failure you’ll probably avoid doing it. You might hope that the person will get the hint without having to say the words. But when we do it this way, both people feel the distance. Or, you hold on til the bitter end.
Staying in bad relationships because you don't want to rock the boat or be alone has its price. The fear of being alone keeps us in relationships that don't work. Instead, the relationship gets increasingly distant until someone eventually has to leave.
Being able to say goodbye face to face is not the norm. Doing it by email or text is typical but very impersonal. Eventually, not saying goodbye creates a pile up of emotional losses. Unfelt losses often trigger depression.
The Gift of Closure in Relationships
Saying goodbye is important for healthy relationships
Closure is being able to accept that a relationship is or has ended. This process can take years depending on how long you were involved.
Not having closure creates unfinished emotions that can spill into the next relationship. Many people might find themselves getting into another relationship quickly because they can't handle the loss.
It's tough to stay grounded when you're trying to fill the void with someone new.
Recognize When it's Time to Go
To consciously leave a relationship means embracing the power of choice. Pay attention to what's happening. When a relationship stops working, do you keep trying or do you stay for the sake of the other person?
Saying goodbye isn’t an easy decision but sometimes it’s the healthier choice especially when there has been abuse or neglect.
It gives you the chance to acknowledge the good parts of the relationship and move on. Feeling the hurt and the sadness is what helps you heal.
If the person is deceased or unreachable, write a letter. Expressing all of the hurt helps us to reach acceptance. Most people don’t let themselves grieve because saying goodbye isn’t valued in our culture. We just don’t do it.
If you feel stuck or find that you aren’t coping well, counseling can provide the emotional support to grieve and understand what happened.
How to Say GoodBye
Here are some steps to help you in saying goodbye. This can be done by writing in a journal first, then deciding what if anything you need to say to the other person.
Acknowledge what the relationship means to you.
Own your part in what didn't work.
Express gratitude for what they gave to you.
The Gifts in the Grief
I went through this when my dad was dying of cancer. Though I said everything I needed to say to him, closure took years because I was fought the loss. The biggest lesson was that by letting myself fully grieve, I came out on the other side feeling whole.
I had faced my greatest fear.
There are many gifts that come when you're willing to say goodbye. For instance, instead of feeling obligated to stay in an unhealthy relationship, you can trust yourself to make a different choice. You have a newfound strength because you know that leaving won't kill you.
As a result, you can pick healthier people and that's empowering. By saying goodbye you can embrace new beginnings that change your life for the better!